This is not like me but I am sure given the circumstances, I am allowed. I just have NO motivation to do anything these days. Even returning a simple phonecall is quite the task for me lately. I used to be the girl who never stayed at home, no I want nothing to do with going out. That is not me at all. I just feel like I don't have much left in me. It has been so depleted between sick kids caring for Janessa's needs and work. I have lost who I am. That, I don't like. I feel like my only role these days are mommy, nurse, and audiologist. I am sure alot has to do with the lack of sleep. It has been over 8 or more weeks without a full night of sleep. That is enough to make anyone crazy. If it is not Avery up then Isaiah is hollering or Janessa is in our bed or I just flat out have insomnia from getting up so many times a night.
This has been the worse yr by far for Avery, I have just seen my cutie little man just deterioate over the past few months. It is just so depressing. The worse part of it is his pain which at this point, we have no idea where it is coming from. If the morphine does not work for longer stretches of time then the pallative care team did bring up methadone. Sounds scary huh, well at this point, I just want him to feel good.
Sometimes I really cannot believe that this is my life. The funny thing is that when I was younger, I did not want to have kids b/c I thought I would not be a good mom. Man I had no idea what God had planned for me.
Avery is scheduled in 2 weeks to start the experimental medication. I just pray that this works for him and brings about some good changes. At this point, there are no more options for reducing his lactate.
Good thing is Isaiah is feeling great. He is back to his wild self. He has a little friend at school, it is so cute. The boy was on the computer with headphones on and my little pip kept pulling them off him. Heheheheh. He is quite the character when he feels good.
Poor Janessa. This girl has such major OCDs about being late for school which she is never ever late. But it is driving me INSANE. This is what I have little patience for. It just starts our mornings into yelling sessions, not how I want to begin the day. Many people think that she is deprived of attention b/c of her brothers. Actually it is completely opposite. We spend so much time with her b/c we feel bad (taking her to show, out to eat, movies etc) but it is never enough. I am at a loss at this point and honestly so overwhelmed. Sad part about it is, this is my life. No matter if I get away for a week or so, things will always be the same. Keeping up a fulltime job which I need makes it unbearable. Anyway, yet another Nicky rant.
So How do I get out of this Funk????? Any ideas.
2 comments:
Wow Nicky, I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling right now. I know how you feel and I have definately been in your position. I could have wrote your post a few different times. I am here if you need to talk....feel free to call me anytime.
Nicky,
Your adrenal are stressed from your stress and lack of sleep. Take those DSF pills I gave you, one with meals.
Sat. night 7pm Women at Chapel are having a praise & worship to be refreshed renewed and transformed by the Redeemer, Restorer, Rebuilder, Rewarder. If you want to go, I'll go too. Got a letter from a girl that had prayed while I was at the alter with Isaiah. She said she was praying for this woman connect worship and I came to her mind. Said I have been on her heart. She's very in tune with God. I have been struggling with this job. Morale is very low there. Taking a lot of work home and not getting pd for it. Also taking care of
Paul who had surgery 1-15 on his shoulder. Danielle Dayutis will go.
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